


A Second Chance

by Nuaddu



Series: A Second Chance [2]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Modern Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-19 09:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuaddu/pseuds/Nuaddu
Summary: My first life is nothing to be proud of, so no, this will not be any account of my previous life in Beleriand. However, this story is not some fluff-laden account of my return to Valinor either. It is neither, yet I guess it is both, in a sense. On the one hand, I'm grateful to the Valar, Eru, or whoever I should thank for this second chance thrusted upon me; on the other, I'm tired, oh, so tired - but "that's my cross to bear", as you humans like saying, and I must carry it until Arda is unmarred.
Series: A Second Chance [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607059
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

My first life is nothing to be proud of, so no, this will not be any account of my previous life in Beleriand. However, this story is not some fluff-laden account of my return to Valinor either. It is neither, yet I guess it is both, in a sense. On the one hand, I'm grateful to the Valar, Eru, or whoever I should thank for this second chance thrusted upon me; on the other, I'm tired, oh, so tired - but "that's my cross to bear", as you humans like saying, and I must carry it until Arda is unmarred. To begin this tale, I think I should rather talk about when it all ended. I will spare you the gory details of my death - doubtlessly others have written about it, and to be frank, I don't remember that much of it anyway. It was painful yada yada, it felt like eternity blah blah blah, and then it was done. I was no longer in pain, the oath was gone, and I was just sprite hovering above that lava pit - I felt free and careless, and nothing but. And as I ascended upwards, I saw Namo.

"Greetings, Nelyafinwe" he said, and gestured. "Please, don't call me that. That's no longer my name". "How should I call you then?"

"I think "kinslayer" would be best, but I'm open for suggestions". The Vala stared at me and nodded; "will you join my halls?"

"I... That's probably not a good idea". "Why so?"

"My presence would spell trouble". "Almost all your family and friends are there". "I doubt they consider me a friend". "You are correct", said Namo, "at least one of them doesn't", and I wondered if he was referring to Findekano - if he was, I didn't want to know the answer. "You may rest and heal in my halls, if you so wish. Your wounds run deep". I hesitated; should I join Mandos? On the one hand I wanted to, yet on the other... Joining Mandos would mean seeing everyone and anyone, and I couldn't look them in the eye, I just couldn't - and even if I could, I dreaded the response - Finwe, Nolofinwe, and above all, Findekano - what would I say to him? What exactly could I say to him, "sorry"? He wouldn't forgive me - no, and he shouldn't. "You hesitate. You're afraid, but then again, my doom was pronounced in front of you. You chose it yourself". "Yes, I take full responsibility, although I don't think it matters anymore". Namo gave me a hard look; "it matters, even if not in this day and age". he suddenly relaxed; "it appears you need some time on your own. We will meet again when the time is right, and it is then you will make your final choice" he said, and disappeared.  
  


Time passed, and the volcanic crag into which I pushed myself soon became an island. At first, my little island was covered with volcanic ashes, but as time passed grass started appearing, and after a while, so did many birds, settling the cliffs looking west. They were followed by seals, which were followed by Orcas, and many other animals which felt at home - I welcomed them all. I knew they noticed me, but they didn't care; it was a lovely place - to the east I could see the peaks of the Ered Luin, and to the west... There was the ocean, covering the remnants of my history, my personal failure. In nights, I would stare at the sky, wondering whether my crimes will be remembered for eternity, and in day I would look for new hatchlings among the birds, or watch the great whales passing by my new home. In a sense, I felt safe there, as if the calmness enveloping that island induced some strange serenity upon me; it was ages since I felt so good - the last time I felt so was in Aman, long before my dad drew his sword. 

However, as I should know, good things rarely last forever, and this idyll had to break. At first, I didn't pay much attention to it - mariners were sailing near my island on great ships, hunting my seals and my whales. I did my best to drive them away, by blowing some winds against them, but they came back and killed a multitude of animals to sell on the mainland; I was furious. I gathered all my rage and came as a powerful wind on the waves, setting them off course and crushing them on the cliffs. There were two survivors which were picked up a few days later, starving and dehydrated; it seemed like a fair punishment, in my eyes anyway. And either way, those humans didn't show up for a while, and it was good, or should I be more precise, it was quiet - but it wasn't good. Something was going on, I felt it, and it frightened me. The days were getting colder, the winds were stormier, and the skies were darker, as if the old enemy was back and stirring his cauldron. It felt eerily reminiscent of those dark years, but that was impossible - the dark foe was kicked out, it couldn't be him - but what then, or who?

The next time those accursed humans showed up, they weren't hunting. I will not forget it - they came in a ship, a long one, filled with men armed to their teeth; they weren't hunters, or at least, they weren't hunting for animals on my island. They set their anchor and took a few small boats and landed on my island; they were slavers, as I learned, coming from an island deep in the west called Numenore (how uninspired!) - they were very uneasy about landing on my island (they believed it was possesed by an evil spirit. Technically, they weren't mistaken), but their leaders insisted. They then chanted some tune in a language I couldn't understand (I mean, I knew it was some mannish dialect - I recognized it as the one spoken in Hisilome in the day- but I couldn't understand a word), until one of them, dressed in jewels and white robes came forward. "I hereby dedicate this sacrifice to Melkor, lord of all Arda, may he grant us a safe journey east!" he said in the common tongue, and much to my horror, they grabbed a little boy (judging from his looks, probably from the tribe of Bor), and hit his head with a blunt object. After that they strapped heavy stones to his hands and legs, and threw him into the ocean, after which those monsters went back to their ship. I tried everything, but despite my best efforts I couldn't capsize their ship.

Not many years had passed, and the Earth shook violently; it was then that Namo appeared. "Greetings. We meet again" he said. "What is your choice, Noldo?"

I sighed; "it would be best for everyone if I weren't around, right?"

Namo stared at me, surprised; "well, as it happens, I'm afraid I have an interest in you joining my halls". "Oh?"

"Do not misunderstand me" he said, "this not done out of love for your house"; who would've guessed, I thought. "The world is changing, the great island of Numenor is being sunk into the depths, and you must leave for Mandos - while you still can". "What does it have to do with me?"

"You've met the Numenoreans, right?"

"Yes, those bastards sent a few of their ships here. I took pleasure in destroying them, when I could. They follow Morgoth" I said with hate; "that's where you're mistaken. It is Sauron they follow. Sauron poisoned their minds against the Valar" he said; "he heard of your island, the "cursed pit" as sailors call it - he knows it is inhabited by some fea. Soon enough he will send someone to snoop for him, and whoever or whatever they may be, they will find you. And you know what happens then" he said, and shivers went down my non-existent spine. "So, Maitimo Nelyafinwe, will you join my halls?"

I took a deep breath; "yes, lord Namo, I would", and then everything turned black.


	2. Chapter 2

How can I describe Mandos? It's a strange place - the halls are dark, but not like what you'd expect from a hole in the ground, or a mine; they are simply lit by some strange, weaker light, which is not so blindingly bright as the sun. The walls can be felt but they're rarely seen, they feel more like a "dark corridor" then a proper hall, but not in a menacing sense - the darkness in Mandos is such that allows one to sleep undisturbed, not makes him fear for the boogeyman hiding under his bed. The tapestries of time are hung, beginning at the entrance and then extending deep into the halls, taking you deeper and deeper inside - at the entrance you could see all the wars of the Valar with Melkor and the shaping of Arda, and going further inside reveals the awakening of the Elves, the strife of the Noldor, Beleriand, tales of the southern lands, and my exploits - among other things. And the ceiling... That may be the strangest thing about Mandos - there is none. I mean, obviously there is something blocking the rain and whatever, but you can't see it - in daytime the skies are always cloudy, gray-ish and serene, but at night those clouds disperse, revealing Varda's creations in all their glory. It's a place of resting, and some healing, but mostly resting. 

When I first arrived in Mandos, I arranged with Namo my arrival would be unannounced. And so it was - I caught glimpses of my brothers here and there, and of my cousins. I never approached them, not even once - I dared not - and they were oblivious to my presence. I was long ago out of that circle, cut off by myself - there's no point in lingering around, I thought. The only thing left to do is getting used to this new house of mine, making sure not to disturb anyone, and not to be disturbed. In time, I wished, I would be forgotten, and the damage I did would be nothing but an old scar, forgotten and no longer painful. I knew full well that this could happen only if I stayed away from everyone and anyone, and thus I've decided that even in the unlikely event in which I were to be released from Mandos, I would refuse that offer. 

Namo, it seems, didn't quite agree with me on that one.

"Is there anyone you would like to meet?"

"No, lord Namo. Thank you, but I would prefer to be alone" I said. "There are many who wish to see you". "You should tell them it's impossible to kill a dead person". "They don't want to kill you, they just want to talk". "Who, exactly?"

"Your father, your grandfather, your brothers, your cousins, your ex-soldiers, to name just a few". "If it's grievances they're wishing to file, rest assured - I'm not leaving these halls. I will not trouble Arda". "Not all of them were glad to see you burn". "I'm pretty sure that the moment I jumped into that volcano was a joyous occasion in this part of the world". "You are not mistaken, and yet, not all of them wish you ill. Your father, for example - I can take you to him if you like". "Yeah, I'm going to skip that one. If there's one person I don't want to see, well...". Namo looked at me inquisitively; "don't look at me like that, I'm not blaming him for any of my deeds". "Why?"

"Because in the end, it was I who committed them. My deeds are my fault, from their beginning to their end. I had a choice not to follow the oath, and I took the coward's way out". "I could hardly call you a coward". "No, Namo, only a coward would choose to save himself by murdering the innocents" I said, "and getting back on topic, no, I won't see my dad, end of story. I'm still angry with him, and besides, he was about to disown me at Losgar, so...". "And what if I told you he regrets it all?"

"Then let him wallow in it. There are some things I cannot forgive, this is one of them. He was a shitty father, I don't want to see him again. Ever". "Fair enough" said Namo, "and what about Findekano? He constantly begs me for information on your whereabouts". I hesitated; "he's better off without me" I said, with a very heavy heart. "Why do you think so?"

"Because I'm a kinslayer, I have no place in a civilized society. Findekano, on the other hand, does". "Why won't you let him decide?"

"Because... Well, actions speak louder than words". "That's a meaningless motto". "I have no better answer, but I cannot face him". "Actions speak louder than words, you say" said Namo, looking thoughtful; "you better stick to that=. Something tells me your part in Arda is not yet over".

"I seriously doubt that - my part consists of staying in these halls and not bothering any living soul ever again".

Time passed, and my presence in Mandos was still unnoticed - until the beginning of the Fourth Age. It was then that it was announced Makalaure was about to enter the halls, the last of the original exiles (by that time, Artanis was already back in the West). It was then that I decided to break my habit, because Makalaure was someone I would like to meet again - if only to apologize and then disappear for the rest of eternity. He deserved none of what happened, and because of me and my stubbornness he ended up wandering the shores of Arda, a broken harp stained by eternal pain and guilt everlasting. His troubles were my fault, troubles he did not deserve; it was I who made a kinslayer out of him, and so, I waited in the shadows, lurking hidden at the entrance to the halls, until he showed up. My brothers were gathered, and with them were Nolofinwe, Turukano, and Findekano; oh joy. When he showed up my guilt became even worse; Makalaure was a husk of an elf, broken and tired, and they soon left. I then approached him, wishing to apologize - but he only stared at me with pure hate - he had all the right to - and I was taken aback; I turned around and saw my uncle, my father, Findekano, and my brothers looking at me, shocked. I didn't stop to say hi, and just fled with all my speed straight to the depths of Mandos; I was being followed, I was sure of that, and I didn't care - only after some time I turned around to get a glimpse of my pursuers, Findekano and Turukano. They were fast, but I was faster, and I soon lost them. Well, not exactly - Turukano gave up, while Findekano kept going. "Please, Maitimo, where are you?"

"I promise, I just want to talk!"

But I stayed hidden and gave no answer. It didn't stop him though - he kept searching for me, while I kept borrowing deeper and deeper into the halls, hiding. Findekano, I think, was the only person I ever knew who was more stubborn then my old man - unlike him, he was also kind. He was (or rather, is) the perfect mixture anyone could ask for in a partner - which was exactly why I, the accursed, couldn't picture myself next to him, I just couldn't. It pained me beyond measure, but I couldn't bring myself close to this perfect form known as "Findekano" - he deserved the best, and I wasn't even close to that. And stubborn as he was, he kept looking for me as the ages passed, while I just dug myself deeper into the halls - there was one plus side to it though - I did study most of the soap-opera you humans like to call "history". And so, around the end of the Seventh Age (or the beginning of the Eighth, I'm not quite sure on dates) Namo showed up.

"Your cousin is relentless". "So am I". "He wishes to speak with you, he means no ill will". "I know, I would not have it. I should be forgotten". Namo gave me hard look; "this could work, yes. This certainly could work". He looked at me and said "the lords of Valimar have made a decision on your matter, seeing you're almost healed". "I will accept any punishment". "It's not a punishment". "Whoa, wait, I don't want to-". "My dear elf, do shut up, for just one second" said Namo, slightly annoyed; "a while ago you told me that actions speak louder than words. It's about time you prove it". "I... I don't understand". "The lords of Valimar see fit to send you back to Arda"; I stared at Namo in confusion. "Why?"

"There's a shadow cast upon the world, Sauron is back, and we need someone to keep him checked". "But... Wasn't Sauron defeated? "Never to rise back" or something like that?"

"Defeated, not destroyed. While he may not regain a body, his mind is still very much alive, a thing we missed". "Why me then? I can think of many much more capable". "Because we deem you're up for it" he said; "these are the terms of the deal - you will be reembodied as a human, and you will fight Sauron on our behalf. After that, you will return back to the West". "Wait, could you repeat the last part?"

"After you're done, you will return to the West". "Listen, I don't mind fighting Sauron - if you need a henchman, that's the least I could do. But I'd rather return to these halls instead". "Sorry, these are the terms, they're not negotiable" said Namo - "do you accept?"

I sighed; "don't forget, it was you who said "actions speak louder than words". I looked at him; "yes, I accept, there's just one thing I ask in return". "Oh?"

"Please tell Findekano I'm no longer around, it'd be cruel to have him search for me while I'm gone". "And where shall I tell him you are?"

"Wherever you like, I don't care" I said, "I just don't want him to have false hopes". "Very well" said Namo, "your mission begins".

And everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up it was sunrise. I was lying on the floor, surrounded by empty glass bottles; my head was pounding, and I was nauseous - and it didn't take long for me to figure out why: I was covered in vomit. I looked around me - on the ceiling there was a strange orb emitting a yellow, mechanical light, and on the desk there were various pages bound together - they weren't books, but to my surprise I realized they were called "notebooks". Beyond them was a strange device, looking like two boards glued together, on one of which there were buttons painted with letters - a "computer", as it seemed. The walls were covered with posters of naked (or semi-naked) women, posters which looked like the drawings I did when I was a 31-year old elfling, drawings made solely to convince myself I wasn't gay. What the actual fuck? Where was I?

I got up and looked at my reflection in the mirror - that wasn't me. I mean, the copper-red hair and the gray eyes were there, but this was pretty much it. I don't think my mum would've recognized me, and I couldn't blame her - all the elven grace was gone, my face was all different (it had a beard!), I was shorter and my body was strange (chest hair? WTF?!), although by humans standards I probably seemed unremarkable, to say the least. As weird as it seemed to me back then, in retrospective it made perfect sense - if I was to fight Sauron, I shouldn't be recognizable, at least not from the start. There were some plus sides to my new looks - I had two normal hands, and no scars, with the latter being replaced by tattoos on my arms and legs. I stared at them with amazement - the humans I knew could barely tattoo simple shapes, and here I was, standing in this strange new world, with my arms and legs covered with intricate paintings and designs. Elves don't have tattoos, or at least they didn't in my age - but these were awesome. 

_Good morning, Nelyafinwe_ , I've heard Namo's voice saying. In my head. _Welcome to your new body. As you may have gathered, this body belonged to a human_. Please don't tell me you've killed someone for this. _Oh no_ , replied Namo, sounding slightly offended, _the fea whose body you're now possesing left Arda a few moments ago. It was a tragic story which you may dwell on, if you wish_ he said, and vague memories of drinking my troubles away in this very room surfaced on my mind. _As you already noticed, you were given this fea's memories. Do you know his name?_

D... Dom-Daniel something, I thought. Daniel Rotkopf?

 _Very good._ OK, cool, now that orientation is over, where is Sauron? Let's get this over with. _There's no hurry. As you may recall, you're not yet healed, and besides, Sauron is hidden. Finding him is an exercise left for you_. I'm confused. _You shouldn't be_ , said Namo, _you still have some healing to do, you're not yet ready to go after him. If you insist, you may search for any suspicious activity. I'm sure you'll find him eventually_. Don't you know where he is? 

_Oh, I do. But a part of your mission is finding him yourself._ I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. Where am I?

_You are in a land the poets call "the Holy Land", in a city called "Jerusalem". Do you remember it from your time in the halls?_

I do have some vague memories of it. Wars were fought over this city, right? 

_Wars ARE BEING fought over it._ OK, and what am I supposed to do?

 _For starters, take a shower and clean yourself. Then, I suggest you go out and see how the world had changed in your absence._ No, that's not what I meant. _I know. Your first objective is to blend in. This Daniel Rotkopf had a routine, you need to slip into it as unsuspiciously as possible. Conveniently enough, he has no family_ (Daniel's memories differed on that one), _and I arranged for him to have enough money so you won't need a job. My suggestion - just go with the flow..._ He said, and his consciousness faded from mine. OK, this was fucked up, I thought, as I started cleaning up. I looked out of my window - it was early morning, and it was snowing. There were no houses in sight, just towers, and the asphalt-paved roads were covered in a dirty white blanket, with the morning's chill being disrupted by people getting up for their daily chores. I sighed - time to get to work.

A few hours later I was a little more clear on my surroundings - I was living in a bachelor pad with some roommates (which I was supposed to loath), and I was a student at the local university, studying something which was akin to mathematics - physics. Apparently, this physics thingie was a part of a discipline humans called "science", a discipline which aimed to understand and study the various phenomena found in the world around them. As for this Daniel Rotkopf, he was a nobody, I think. He had his friends (and apparently their mutual interests surrounded weed and cheap beer), he was into women (shame), and apparently he was in the army, serving as a clerk in some office. Huh, what a strange military service, I thought. 

When I opened the fridge to look for some food I found none, and using this Daniel's memories I decided to visit the local "market" (called a "Supermarket) to get something to eat. When I stepped outside I was amazed - everything was so... Different! High towers, cars on the road, and humans, humans everywhere. Those weren't the stubby, sickly, cave dwelling humans of my time though - the humans I saw around me were grand and impressing, and their sight could even easily rival the Eldar - you humans sure made one hell of a leap forward since I last saw you. Anyway, I entered this "Supermarket" and I was amazed - again. Even in my wildest dreams I would never have guessed one could find so many fruits and vegetables in winter, yet here they were, right before me! It was, literally, all I could eat - I didn't recognize half of what I saw, yet I navigated through Daniel's memories which told me what to buy. The strangest things were plastic wraps, those transparent sheets made of some strange, eerie material. As soon as I touched one of those plastic bags I was repulsed - the elvish part of me was confident plastic was a polluted and accursed substance, which I should keep away from - as much as I would've liked doing that, it seemed impossible. Apparently, humans use it with everything (sounds poisonous as hell, but what do I know, I'm just an immortal).

Anyway, back to my story, as soon as I finished unloading half of all the unidentified fruit and vegetables into my cart, I visited the meat section - I know you folks sometimes think us Elves were vegetarians, but in truth we loved our meat every once in a while, and I was no exception. Looking at it, there was Beef (in my days, I knew those animals as Auruchs), Chicken, something called Turkey, but I wanted something else. "Excuse me, do you have boar meat?"

The butcher was looking at me, surprised; "I'm sorry?"

He was a tall men, wearing a flat disc of cloth on the back of his head. "Do you have any boar meat? I'd like to buy some fillet". "Do you think it's funny?"

He asked me angrily. "I just want to buy meat". "This is a Kosher place, we don't sell pork here! Don't mock my beliefs!" he said angrily, and I moved aside. Making new friends on your first day already, I thought. A few minutes later I encountered a type of food I've never seen before - cheese. It seemed strange - I knew somehow this was made from the milk of cows and other animals, but in my days milk wasn't considered food, especially cow's milk, which wasn't fit for Elven or Human consumption. Apparently, nowadays it was considered to be a gourmet food, apparently, which seemed odd because it smelled horrible. "Would you like to try it?"

Asked the cheese lady. Well, Namo said to go with the flow... So I said yes. The cheese-lady cut a small piece of cheese called "Camembert" and handed it to me; here goes, I thought as I opened my mouth and the smell hit me - and holly crap, that was good! It turned out you humans don't have such bad tastes after all, I mean, cheese is one of the best things I've ever tasted. When I'm back in Eldamar I must learn how to make these myself, I resolved, and sighed. I wonder if Aman changed as much as Arda.


	4. Chapter 4

"I have no further ideas. It's beyond me" I said and stretched backwards on my seat; I was sitting in the library with a friend, Ruth, trying to finish our problem sheet for the week. "I have no ideas either" she said, "I was kinda hoping you could solve it". "Don't make me blush" I said sarcastically, "I suggest we call it a day? We both better get home before the storm starts" I added, and looked outside; it was late evening, and the rain was pouring heavily. I a few hours a snowstorm was supposed to begin, and a fierce one at that, if to judge by the winds.

"Actually, my roommates and I are holding a snow-party at my place. Wanna join?"

"A snow party? What's that?"

"Oh, a get together to watch the snow fall". I stared at her, confused; "why so serious? It could be fun. There would be alcohol involved" she said. To be frank, I wasn't eager to join in – the last snow-storm I witnessed was in Amon Ereb, and it wasn't pretty. However, for some reason, in this part of the world people were excited about snowstorms, so go figure (perhaps it has something to do with snow being such a rare occurrence). "Sure, why not" I said and put on my coat.

A few minutes later we were walking from Campus to Ruth's apartment; it was a few blocks away, not too far away from the city center. "By the way Daniel, I've been meaning to ask, are you alright?"

"Err, I guess so. Why?"

"I dunno, I mean, you've become so… Distant, yes, distant these past few weeks. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, I think" I said, racing my mind to invent a plausible lie - until I figured it was totally unnecessary; "well, to be honest, the Daniel you know is dead. I'm a prehistoric fire spirit possessing his undead corpse" I said. "Very funny, now, don't evade my question. Are you alright? I mean, Esti told me that breakup was nasty but I…". Oh fuck, I thought, scanning Daniel's memories; yes, he broke up with his human girlfriend for some unexplained reason, which was why he drank himself to death – that much I already knew.

I needed an excuse, pronto – and again, I figured, the truth might set me free. "Oh, err, yeah" I said and scratched my neck, feigning inconvenience, "don't tell anyone, but I'm gay. That's why I broke up with her" (that was a lie, of course – according to Daniel's memories, the reason was him being a pig). Ruth stared at me in disbelief, and I was worried for a moment – I know you humans are sometimes sensitive to LGBT issues (although to be honest, the Noldor weren't much better), and I awaited her response. Of my human friends, she was the most bearable (or, to be precise, there's a limit to how much patient and understanding I can be around frat boys). "Oh, wow, that's… A revelation" she said, "although I'd be lying if I said I never suspected it". Of course you did, I thought, breathing a mental sigh of relief. "Actually, I've invited a few gay and bi friends over, you could meet someone". "Sure, why not" I said, trying my best to look enthusiastic.

When we arrived at Ruth's place, the party was already in full swing; the small apartment was decorated with Christmas ornaments (even though it was late January), and it was already packed with students – some of which I recognized from Campus. "Ruth, Daniel, join in" said Shir, one of Ruth's roomies. She was clearly slightly flustered, and handed us both shots of vodka; "to the snow!" said Ruth and we toasted. "I need another one" I said, and went to grab another drink; I poured myself a shot of whiskey and turned around to see a blonde kid, a head shorter than me and no older than twenty years, looking at me. He was clearly slightly drunk, wearing a Santa hat for some reason; "pass me the bottle when you're done, would you?"

"Aren't you a bit young to get wasted?" I asked, amused, and looked at his eyes – and then my heart skipped a bit. I knew this face, I knew these piercing blue eyes – this kid looked exactly like someone that I used to know, although I couldn't quite put my finger on who that person was. It was not Findarato, it certainly wasn't a Nolofiniwion or one of my brothers. To make matters worse, his face suggested he was shocked at seeing me as well; "Daniel, right?"

He asked suspiciously, staring into my eyes. "Yes, and you are…?" I asked, noting how he dropped the act. He wasn't drunk, and judging at how he looked at me, I knew he recognized me – by that stage I was pretty much convinced he tried to use Osanwe (yet failed). Looking at his face now, he seemed much older – much, much older. "Here" I said, handing him the bottle; "Lahav, I major in history and philosophy. First year" he said. "Cool, I'd be graduating next year. Physics" I said, trying desperately to put the finger who that Lahav kid is.

"Better grab a seat next to the TV everyone! We're about to screen GOT, the last two episodes" said Ruth. I sat on a dusty sofa, taking the seat closest to the door, and for some annoying reason that Lahav kid sat next to me. I constantly felt his mind trying to read mine, to converse with me, but I ignored it.

At this point, my dear readers, you may be wondering why I picked the seat closest to the door. Well, you seen– I hate GOT. Or to be precise, I don't think dragons are cool. You may be thinking about them as literary figures, a plot device or a scare tale invented for children – I, however, remember them vividly. Needless to say, these are not memories I would like to dwell on – and precisely for that reason, I avoided watching Game of Thrones as best as I could. Sure, Daniel watched some of it and I could scroll through his memories, but from the little I gathered I was horrified. Dragons aren't a plot device, they're a nightmare come to life.

"Oooh, I like that one" said Lahav as the episode started playing; "this is where Khaleesi burns an entire city to the ground" he said, excited, as the white-haired lady ordered her fell beast to blast an entire navy to oblivion. The more I saw of the episode the more nauseous I became, as memories from the Nirnaeth started flooding in; memories of fire drakes issuing from the gates of Angband, the stence of rotting flesh, Valaraukar scouring Anfauglith in search of captives… "I need some fresh air" I said and got out, staring at the evening sky. At this point it was beginning to snow, and I could see the small and delicate ice crystal falling gently from the sky. By some strange occurrence, Tillion was visible in all his glory. I sighed, and took a deep breath; I was about to go back inside, when I realized I wasn't alone.

"Hello Lahav" I said, not bothering to turn around. "I started snowing" he said; "yes, it appears so" I said; let's see who we're dealing with here, I thought. "So, this is what we've been reduced to? Two ex-Noldorin princes getting drunk at a snow party?" I asked in Quenya.

Before I could turn around to judge his reaction, I felt a strong punch to my stomach; I staggered backwards and turned to face Lahav, who was furious. "I knew it!"

He said angrily, "what are you doing here?"

"While I don't remember you, I would suggest you do not try this again" I said coldly, "if you already know who I am, you probably also know I can take extreme measures when necessary". This seemed to scare him a little, but in the end he laughed; "I wonder whether I should be insulted, cousin" he said, "although then again, we never were so close – neither in Aman or Beleriand". "Let's skip the formalities, shall we?"

"Very well, cousin" he said, and frowned; "what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same, if I knew who you are". "Of course, where are my manners" he said, "I am Aikanaro, son of Arafinwe. Now, let me ask again - what the fuck are you doing here?"


	5. Chapter 5

We just stood there and stared at each other for a few minutes. Aikanaro clearly was unhappy at seeing me, and I was equally shocked.

"So… Err, goodbye cousin"; I turned around and was about to leave. "Wait!"

"What?"

"You need to answer some questions". "Oh, do I?" I said and kept on going, "forget you even saw me, we will not meet again". He ran and blocked my way; "you are not leaving before you answer my questions". I laughed; "go away, kid. I have work to do". And yet, he was steadfast and stared at me with anger; "what are you doing here?"

"What I was sent here by Namo. Some unfinished business to take care of". I could see the fear in his eyes as I said the last part; "ugh, don't you start. It's not my kin I'm after" I said, "now move aside". "No, you need to answer to us!"

"Us? You mean you're not alone?"

He was taken aback; oh Aikanaro, I thought, you never were one for subtleties!

"Cousin dear, if you do not wish to see me again you need only say so. The same is true for any other Elda – now, move aside", I ordered, gathering all my (diminished) stature and charisma. "No-not before you tell me why you're here. And not only me".

I was about to project myself to him as menacing as I could, but then I decided against it; if Aikanaro was here Arafinwe was probably was watching him – and if I am to return to Aman, I cannot go around threatening my cousin. As that thought passed through my mind, so did a shiver, as the memories of Alqualonde, Doriath, and Sirion flashed in front of me; no, I will not repeat these mistakes. I sighed and said "I cannot tell you why, not here anyway. Let me go, and I swear you will never see me again".

"Why not here?"

" The enemy is always on the watch. Is that enough of an explanation?"

His face turned pale; "enemy?"

"Yes, cousin. You have read the LOTR, right?"

"I watched the movies". "Well, that should give you a clue why I'm here" I said, "now, will you kindly let me go? I've said enough already, and he may be watching". Well, that was a lie – I knew perfectly well Sauron's presence could be felt and so was his attention, and right now I wasn't his focus. However, it might be enough to convince my cousi- "I… No, if that's correct, we're in a terrible danger".

"We? I guess you're not referring to you and me".

"We need to go now" he said, and texted someone. "You are coming with me" he said; I was about to say something along the lines of "fuck off", and then I felt how fearful he was and decided to play along. Aikanaro was genuinely worried; "if we are to leave now, we need an excuse. How much did you drink?"

Aikanaro stared at me, confused; "we need to leave without looking suspicious. You need to appear drunk, and I will escort you home". He was about to protest; "no, if you realized my identity it means others may too. We need to look as human as possible until we're at your place" I ordered, "and by the way, how did you recognize me? I don't look like my old self".

"Fine" he answered begrudgingly; "great. Now, you go inside and pretend to drink some more". "I don't have to pretend". "Whatever" I said, "but when I come back, you must act drunk enough to give me an excuse to take you home. Don't be afraid to throw up or cause a scene or whatever" I said, and he glared at me, clearly disgusted at the idea. "It has to appear believable. If He has a pair eyes in that crowd, who knows what they saw already".

"And you think you will go unnoticed? Cousin dear, you radiate power. You have a tattoo on your right arm, you're a redhead and your eyes look the same. That's how I recognized you". "Oh, don’t worry about me" I said and smiled, "I have an idea". "Oh? Let's hear the all-wise Nelyafinwe gets out of this one - without his cousin's assistance".

"Mock me all you want" I said and scrolled through Daniel's contacts; "but I have a plausible excuse. I'm gonna call my ex-girlfriend and be a dick" I said, and opened my phone. I signaled Aikanaro to go back inside; "hi, Esti? It's Daniel, I have a confession to make" I said, observing how anxious she was the other end of the line.

"I lied when we broke up. I'm actually gay" I said loudly, knowing I'd be heard. "Oh, that's… Great for you" she said, confused and slightly hurt. Good, that's the time to rub it in, I thought; "I'm so sorry, it's just that I was always disgusted with your body. I mean, don't feel bad about it, it was me. It wasn't you being fat or anything, I'm just disgusted by vaginas".

"Oh, fuck you Daniel!"

Great, that's my cue. "You know what? You're a fucking homophobe!" I scram into my phone, knowing full that part of my "conversation" was well heard inside. I then hung up and came back into Ruth's flat, with everyone staring at me. I walked straight to the bar and poured myself three consecutive shots of Tequilla, after which Ruth came up; "are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I said, feigning anger, and poured myself another shot when I heard a glass break. Aikanaro was throwing up on the floor, mumbling something about him loving to smoke weed on Sundays. After that he crashed to his knees, barely getting up; "you just had to invite him, didn't you?" said Ruth, glaring at her roommate. I hurried to Aikanaro and "helped" him get up; "listen, Ruth, I think I should call it a day. I will take him home, I'm not in the mood for a party anyway". "OK, thanks" she said, annoyed, and hurried to get some paper towels and a mop.

***

_How much did you drink?_

_About two more shots of Vodka, and a beer_ , answered Aikanaro in Osanwe. We kept the act, walking in the snowy street. "Wake up you drunken moron" I said angrily, and elbowed him, in case someone was watching.

_What was that for?_

_We need to look the part_ , I thought at him, and he only elbowed me back.

 _Listen, Nely-_ he began; _don't call me that_ , I thought. _Fine, Mai-Maedhros, I gotta know, did you…?_

_Did I what?_

_You know, the Silmarillion. Did it actually happen?_

_What do you mean?_

_Did you really…?_

_Oh, yeah, it all happened, and I'm the one to blame_ , I thought at him. Some of the perks of using Osanwe are that you could sense what the other was thinking. He probably felt my sadness at the admission of guilt, possibly also my shame; I only felt his disbelief, disgust, and fear - he was terrified of me _._

_Let me assure you, I am here only as a penance. If you so wish, you will never see me again._

After that, we did not speak a single word until we reached his house. "Here we are" he said coldly when we were at the door. "Open up!" he said, banging the door – we were greeted by a tall, half-naked man, sleepy and drowsy. He had a tangled dark hair, and I opened my mouth in disbelief. No, it couldn't be! He stared at me with the same shock, and possibly some horror.

"Put a shirt on, Arakano. We have a visitor".


	6. Chapter 6

"Let me get this straight – Namo sent you here?"

"Indeed. And if necessary, you will not see me ever again" I said; Arakano was staring at me, dumbfounded, while Aikanaro was leaning against the walls, hands crossed, with some unreadable expression on his face. "Hold on, I have a few questions. Also, aren't you interested to know why we're-". "No, I don't care. And I'll say to you the same thing I said to Aikanaro" I said and gestured – "all that you've read in the Silmarillion is true, I'm a thrice-guilty kinslayer. Obviously, you two are not interested in my company and vice versa, so can we call it a day?".

Both were taken aback; "actually, no. I have some other questions" said Aikanaro. "you said you were after the enemy. Care to elaborate?"

"If you insist, however – before I do so you two must swear to never speak of it outside this house. And also, you must swear to never speak Quenya or Sindarin outside as well".

"Swear it? Why?"

"I'll explain after you do it" I said impatiently, "I don't think you understand how serious this is", I said, and then added "unlike you two, I do remember the enemy". Both seemed insulted by that last remark but I didn't care, and moved towards the door; "swear it now, by Illuvatar, or I'm out".

Aikanaro sighed; "I solemnly swear to never speak of the enemy outside this house, and to never speak Quenya or Sindarin or any other tongue from the elder days beyond this door. Eru Illuvatar, you bear witness to my oath, and you shall hold me accountable for it". Arakano stared at him, puzzled, and after a moment repeated his words; "good" I said, "let's get this over with". "Great. A beer anyone?" Asked Aikanaro; I declined.

"Sauron is back".

Both spilled their drinks. "What do you mean by "he's back"?" demanded Aikanaro; "that he's back, like, the literal meaning of it". I took a deep breath; "I was sent here by the Valar to hunt him down. If I'm successful I will return to Aman, likely to face trial". Both my cousins were equally shocked.

"Now, up until tonight I was sure I looked human enough to blend in. However, meeting Aikanaro in that snow party proved otherwise. Sauron does not yet know of my existence, or at least so I think – however, if Aikanaro was able to recognize me and I him, it means Sauron can as well. You two must keep a low profile" I said, got up, and walked to the door.

"Wait" said Arakano, "I think you better stay here with us". "Huh?"

I turned around and saw Arakano staring at me, dead serious, with Aikanaro glaring at him for the suggestion; I could hear how angry his thoughts were. Be that as it may, Arakano couldn't care less; "if he is back, we need you close by, and vice versa". "Oh?"

"Do not mistake it for kindness" said Arakano with a voice as cold as ice, "neither me or Aikanaro are interested in your company – however, if he is back, we three must coordinate our moves. We cannot go on carelessly as before" he said, looking behind his shoulder at Aikanaro. I sighed; no, this will not do. "As I've said earlier, cousin dear, if my sudden appearance troubles you, just say it and I'd be gone. I promise to keep my distance, and as you know – I'm a man of my word".

"No, you said it yourself. If we could recognize you so easily, so would Sauron. Once you're eliminated, he will search for other Eldar. In other words, if you fail, he will go after us. We need you close by". "By this reasoning, finding me would lead him to you". "I know" said Arakano, "but if you suddenly disappear, we will know it's time to flee".

Arakano's words made sense – and as it appeared, Aikanaro accepted this reasoning; oh joy. "Fine" I said, "but I have a few conditions" I said, much to my cousins' annoyance. "First, I wanna know why were you sent to this day and age". "Namo sent us here to heal" said Aikanaro. "Both of you need healing? Oh well. I don't remember Arakano here present in Bele-". "You'd be surprised at what we endured on the ice" said Arakano coldly. I ignored him; "my second condition is that you clean this place up. I'm not leaving one filthy bachelor pad for another. Oh, and I also get my own room – that's it".

Arakano and Aikanaro looked at me, surprised, then looked at each other, and started laughing. "That's all? I thought you'd drive a harder bargain" said Aikanaro. "I'm not here to bargain with you, I have better things to do", I said, "and quite frankly, you two can drop the act. I know you're not happy with this, and neither am I". "Why would you think that?"

"Give me break. You really think I cannot hear your Osanwe conversations?"

Both stared at me in surprise. "Save it for later" I said, "and quite frankly, as things stand I doubt this arrangement could work, so goodbye" I said and turned around. "So, it is honesty you're after? Oh well" said Arakano angrily, "I've never liked you, even in Eldamar. I have no idea what my brother found in you, and I'm only glad he wasn't there to see you fall". Now, that stung, but my face remained still; I bowed mockingly, and then moved again towards the door. "As I've said earlier, dear cousins, we will not see each other again".

"Wait Ne-Maedhros!"

Aikanaro rushed and stood before me; "please, don't leave. It would be safer with you around and I'm sure Arakano didn't-". "I'm not insulted by the truth" I lied, "I honestly don't think this could work". "Now its my turn to speak" he said angrily, blocking the door; "why are you so eager to avoid us?" he asked. "From the moment you walked in you insulted us, you're being deliberately annoying and you know it. You also know perfectly well what Arakano said is correct. Staying all at one place would be safer, considering the circustances".

"Because I'm no longer one of the Eldalie!" I said angrily. "You think I want to be in reincarnated in this human body? Do you think I want to go back to Aman? No! I'm here because it's the least I could do. If it were up to me, I'd stay in Mandos". "The least you could do?"

"I've led two kinslayings out of three, and the Nirnaeth Arnoediad was mostly my fault. So yes, becoming a henchman for the Valar is the least I could do". _And I thought I had healing to do,_ I've heard Aikanaro thinking; "don't pity me, cousin. After all, my troubles are of my own making. And yes, Arakano there has all the right to blame me for whatever" I said angrily, and Aikanaro was taken aback.

"Actually, err, thinking about it, I can't blame you for anything".

I turned around, surprised; "you refused burning the ship, or at least that's what I've heard", he said. "My reasons weren't as noble as you may think". "From what I've understood, you defied Feanaro in Losgar"; "that's more or less correct". "And that you gave up the crown, although you didn't have to".

"Your father had more right to rule anyway, and his host was larger. By that stage I was king in name only". He looked at me, inquisitive; "did anyone tell you you're a bad liar? You're hiding something. I've spoken with my father in Mandos. It was clear he hated your guts, but he wouldn't say why". I sighed; "trust me, you don't wanna know". "Findekano, on the other hand, he adored you. Even after he saw what you did on the tapestries" he added. "Why would my dad hate you, and why would my brother adore you, no matter what? Even in Mandos, he kept talking about you all the time. Did you see him, even once?"

"Nope. The last time I spoke to Findekano was a week before the Nirnaeth". Goddammit, Arakano was perceptive; too perceptive. He was reminiscent of Turukano, who was also preceptive (although I guess Arakano wasn’t as strict or conservative). "You know, I cannot fail to notice you're provoking us on purpose, it's as if you want us to kick you out. I have a theory" he said, and my heart started beating; "you and my brother, you weren't just close friends. You were a couple". Fuck, FUCK. I had to think fast how to reply; there was no point denying it now – one of the perks of being a red hair is that when your face turns red, no one fails to notice. "Congrats" I said dryly, "you figured it out. Can I go now? I have a hunt to manage".

Arakano stared at me, shocked; we stared at each other for a moment, until Aikanaro broke the ice. "Oh, I don't care you're gay" he said, "and I'm sure Arakano doesn't either" he added, and Arakano nodded in agreement. "Oh, please spare me the "we're all accepting and tolerant" act". No offense, if there's something I don't miss it’s the company of Elves. Let's face it, the Eldar are a bunch of annoying prudes and quite frankly, I have better uses for my time". "Oh, I can assure you I'm not a prude" said Aikanaro, smiling wickedly, and handed me his phone; "check my data usage. The app I use most is Tinder" he proclaimed proudly. "I could've manage without that information" I murmured, and he turned serious again. "Please, Maedhros, I beg you, give it a chance. I know there's a lot of bad blood between you and us, but if Sauron is back we must stick together. You know it as well as I do". I looked at Aikanaro and then at Arakano, and both seemed in agreement.

I sighed; "very well. I guess we could give it a shot".


	7. Chapter 7

"I doubt Makalaure would approve this music" I heard Aikanaro saying from behind me. "Yeah, I don't think Gothic Metal is his style" I answered, without turning around.

"So, up for anything tonight?"

"I have this paper to finish, so no" I said, not even bothering to look back. "Oh, come on N-Meadhros, what good is sitting all along in your room…" he started singing. "First, it's "all alone", not "all along". Second, you know, most worksheets don't solve themselves". "Ugh, don't be such a buzzkill". I put down my pencil; "you're really into this whole drunk fratboy, huh?"

"Come on, it's Friday night and I wanna get wasted" said Aikanaro and stood in front of me; "besides, we're going to a gay bar tonight". "We?"

"Arakano is coming with". "Arakano, did you put him up to this?"

"Hell no" said Arakano, coming from the kitchen; "he nagged me until I agreed". "You see? Cool. So you're coming, right?". "Must I?"

"When was the last time you went out to meet other gays?"

"Are we really doing this again?" I asked, annoyed, and turned around; it had been two weeks since I moved in with my cousins. Surprisingly enough, Arakano and I got along; I kept my nose out of his business, and he didn't interfere in mine. Aikanaro, on the other hand… He was, for some strange reason, obsessed with trying to set me up – by which I mean that constantly tried introducing me to his gay friends. It was amusing at first, and then it became just… Plain weird. I was pretty sure he was straight (considering that he showed up with another girl at least twice a week), which made it all even weirder. After any such hook up he would drink at least two pints of beer and get drunk, usually dragging a reluctant Arakano with him (and lately, me as well). This was one such time.

"Seriously? Do you even remember her name?"

"No, why should I?"

I sighed; "Aikanaro, I really need to finish this". "If he's not going neither am I!" yelled Arakano from his room and shut the door. "Please, I would feel awkward, being the only straight in the village". "Introducing you to Little Britain was a bad idea" I said. "Please come! When was the last time you went to a gay bar?"

"I'm not really into hookups" I said and stretched, "and no, I'm not gonna download grinder", I added before he was about to say anything. "Well, then you should". "I should do what?"

"Both. Now come on". "Fine" I said and sighed, "I can't work like that anyway".

"Cousin, what is it with you and the drunk fratboy act?"

"Well, it's fun" he said, and from the way he looked at me it was clear he was insincere. "Cousin dear, why did Namo send you to these times?"

"Because I wasn't healing in Mandos" he said; "that's not what I asked". "It's the best answer you're gonna get" he answered coldly, and I knew better than to push it further.

**

We arrived at the bar sometime later – it was the worst kind I could imagine. "This is the best gay bar in Jerusalem" Aikanaro proclaimed proudly, and my stomach turned. It was crowded, it was dark, it reeked of smoke – and to top it all, the music was loud and trashy.

We sat on the bar; "I think we better go somewhere else" I said quietly. "Why? Look how everyone's looking at us" he said, and turned to the bartender; "one large pint and a whiskey. No ice". Our drinks arrived in an instant; "cheers" I said, and Aikanaro looked at me, beaming and drinking his beer. "Look how they're all staring at me" he said proudly, winking at the bartender. "You're young and you're blonde. What did you expect?"

"Jealous much?"

"You wish". "You know, sometimes I wish I was gay" he said, staring into his half-empty glass, "it's so much easier for you". "Dude, are you seriously saying the gays are having it easy?"

"Well, no, not like that. It's just that it's so easy for you to find a partner" he said and looked at me; "what? You think it was easy for me? I was lucky Findekano was also into it. If he wasn't, my life would've been miserable". "Tell me about it" he said and his face darkened for a moment, only to brighten up again. "I need to take a leak" he said, while I ordered a shot of Tequila.

When Aikanaro was back, I immediately spotted something wasn't right. His pupils were wide and he was much, much more energetic than usual. "Come Maitimo, let's dance!" he said and dragged me from my seat, dancing ecstatically; "are you alright?"

I asked as he was dragging me to the dance floor; "better than ever!" he said frantically and jumped on me. "I'm gonna stop you right there" I said, uncomfortable. "Why? Think of it as a date! I'm gay for pay" he said mockingly. Too many eyes were drawn to us; "shut up. We're going home" I said angrily, but Aikanaro didn't listen and walked away from me, attracting guys all around him. I suddenly saw someone grabbing him towards the toilet, and in that instant Aikanaro dropped to the floor, throwing up. I hurried to his side, shoving that man away from. "Get your own" said that man, and I pushed him against the wall. "You tried assaulting my cousin" I said coldly, "you should be glad I don't carry weapons" I added, and threw him across the room with all the force I could muster - which ended up breaking a table. I turned around, picked Aikanaro and moved towards the door; "didn't you forget anything?"

I turned around and saw the bartender glaring at me. "No, I don't think so" I said coldly; "you and your junkie friend owe me money, freaks!"

"It was you who put something in my cousin's beer, right?"

"How dare you…". "I'm leaving, with my cousin" I said angrily, "if you wanna stop me, call the police. I dare you". "I'm calling them right now!"

"Go on then" I said, "I will tell them how you and this guy tried drugging and assaulting my cousin. I'm sure they'd be very interested". We glared at each other for a few moments, and then he put down his phone. "I thought so", I said and turned around; "don't you ever come back here!"

"Don't worry about it, your drinks suck!"

**

"Nelyo" I heard Aikanaro murmuring when I carried him home; "I'm sorry". "Please don't tell me you also use drugs". "I don't, I only smoke weed". "At least that".

"I'm sorry you got into this mess" he said, partially sobbing. He was clearly drugged out of his senses; I put him down on a small bench and stretched. "I know I shouldn't call you Nelyo, but it's strange. You're no Sinda… I'm so sorry". "Don't worry about it".

"I'm sorry for tonight, I was only trying to help. I know what it's like to lose your love for eternity" he said; "Huh?"

"Namo sent me here so I could get over Andreth. I can't, I just can't" he said and started sobbing, "whenever I sleep with someone, I always think of her. That's why I drink". I sighed; "I'm not that different from you, cousin" I said and put Aikanaro back on his feet; "I cannot sleep with other men. I just cannot bring myself to it, and probably never will". "When we're back at Valinor, I will be your wingman" he proclaimed, but I was no longer listening. I didn't need Aikanaro to know I've lost Findekano forever - but by Eru, this time it stang harder than ever.


	8. Chapter 8

"Don't ask" I told Arakano as we got home; Aikanaro was zig-zagging his way to his room, yelling drunken insults in Quenya directed at who-knows-what. "Actually, I think I better ask" he said, inquisitively. "Someone tried slipping something in his drink" I answered dryly. "Oh". "Mind watching over him? I must get some sleep" I said, not waiting for his reaction.

I fell asleep shortly after, and had one of the worst nightmares I ever had. In my dream, I was outside a large, glassy, tower, sitting on a bench and eating a croissant. A voice to my right said "Nelyafinwe"; I turned around to see Namo, sitting next to me. He looked like an old man, with strange glasses and a long, dark beard, holding a newspaper in his hand.

"I come bearing a massage, Nelyafinwe"; "don't call me that". He ignored me; "your cousin joined you here, in Endore". "Which cousin?" I asked with dread. From Namo's smile I realized exactly who he was talking about; "why?"

"He decided to give you one last chance". "Huh?"

"He asked for this one act of kindness" said Namo, and his face suddenly turned stern. "If you fail to approach him in this life, your memory will be wiped clean from his mind". My heart sank; "what?"

"Your cousin cannot heal without you by his side" said Namo, "and I offered to erase his memories". My heart sank; "this is your last chance, Feanorion" said Namo, "if you fail to confess your love to him today, you two will be sundered for the rest of eternity". I stared at Namo, my heart beating fast. I felt tired and desperate; "would you accept that fate, Nelyafinwe? Unlike your cousin, your memories will not be erased. You are less deserving of this kindness".

I took a while to answer him, not knowing what to say ; "where is he?"

"He is a doctor, working in this hospital" said Namo, and gestured at the glass tower behind us. I looked at him again; "what are you waiting for?"

I got up and walked swiftly towards the entrance. A moment before I got inside, I felt a sudden, sharp pain in my chest. I fell to my knees, panting, seeing the hospital door close. "He is on the third floor!" yelled Namo from behind; my eyesight was clouded by pain and my legs were barely responding, but somehow, I managed to drag myself, coughing and limping, into the building.

I then heard a ticking sound from above me, and looked up; I saw a large clock, ticking, set on two minutes till midnight. The instant I saw that clock I knew what it meant – when it reaches midnight, Findekano will forget me forever. The pain in my chest grew stronger and my paces seemed slower, but somehow I managed to get myself into the elevator; when the clock showed one minute to midnight, I finally got to the third floor.

However, as soon as the elevator's doors opened I crashed outside, my legs becoming too weak to carry me. "Sir, do you need any assistance?" a nurse asked; I wanted to answer, but instead I only coughed up blood all over the floor. _Ten, nine, eight, seven_ … I heard Namo's voice proclaiming in my head. I looked around me, desperately – there were many people gathering around me, but Findekano was not among them; "please tell Findekano that I love him, and that I'm sorry" I begged in my last breath. And then, the clock exploded and everything turned dark

That's it, I thought bitterly, I lost him forever – and I could only blame myself, again; no words could describe my grief and terror. I let out a cry of pain:

"Surprise!"

I jumped from my bed, sweating and panting. I saw Aikanaro standing at the side of my bed, staring at me. "Are you alright?"

"Wait what…? I'm naked, get the fuck out! Ever heard of knocking?!"

"Ugh, don’t be so grumpy. I just wanted to tell you that as a surprise, I took some pictures of you while you were asleep, and posted them on your brand new Grindr account".

"YOU DID WHAT?!"


End file.
